There is this other Malaysian guy at my Uni and everyone just assumed that we would immediately connect and become good friends but It’s been 4 months since we first met and so far, we’ve only ever had two real conversations. Today, I was with my friend and she was telling me that this Malaysian guy was saying how he had tried and tried talking to me but that I’m not very approachable and comes across as shy. And he feels that I don’t like him? And it just made me feel really terrible because I didn’t even know he thought that about me? When I think about it, whenever we do see each other on campus and have some time to talk, we do. But we end up having other things to tend to so it never ends up being a really long conversation. I mean, I do speak during these conversations, I’m not just sitting there unresponsive to everything that he is telling or asking me. I do answer back so I just don’t understand how quickly he had come to the conclusion that I’m a shy person. I know that I am quiet and I have accepted that fact but I thought I had been doing pretty okay with communicating with him… I mean as of right now I just don’t know what else I was supposed to do?Was I supposed to do more than just talk to him? Was I supposed to ask him out for lunch? Shout his name and enthusiastically say ‘hi!’ whenever I see him around campus? Maybe. Maybe I should approach him whenever I see him and talk to him because he has been the one that’s been doing the approaching but I just…I can’t do it? The mere thought of approaching him whether it’s thinking about what to say, or whether I’m saying the right thing or whether I’m bothering him just makes me not want to do it. And since not doing it doesn’t kill me, I just don’t do it. I just don’t see the need anymore.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I just feel so bad. I have been pretty sociable with people so far, I have been trying to be more talkative to people ..accepting invitations to go on trips with different groups of friends or making the effort to go and hang out with people but I just can’t help but feel like there is only so much that I can do. It’s just so difficult because I know what is wrong with me, I know what I should change to stop this but I just can’t. I just can’t change this thing about me. I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to, sometimes I want to so bad, but it is just literally so impossible for me to do it. I just can’t be as outgoing as some people, as spontaneous and easy-going or as talkative and fun. I am pretty content with myself. I do really love who I am but sometimes, I just get so exhausted with people, with trying to be with people, trying to connect with them- making an effort. It places such a burden on me to always need to have something to say during conversations, to never seem boring to people. I know he expected a lot more from me since his friends have been telling me non-stop that he had been so looking forward to finally having another Malaysian at our Uni and it just makes me feel so angry at myself, for not meeting his expectations even though I know I am not obligated to do so. I know that there isn’t a law that says I have to become good friends with this guy. But I still can’t help but feel like I’m lacking in so many ways and it especially kills me to know that it is a big part of who I actually really am. Everyone in this world just somehow manages to keep reminding me just how wrong it is to be me.
Today, I had dinner with my friend and he was telling me something about joining him for dinner or lunch or whatever if I don’t want to eat alone but only if I want to eat with him because he understands that sometimes I just want to be left alone and he told me this story when he sat with this girl and she told him off for not speaking and being quiet. That is so ridiculous I’m gonna barf.